Late

In one of our supervision groups this past week we were discussing lateness. Of course we were discussing this because someone came in late. By about half an hour. What happens when this happens?

Well, different groups handle it in different ways of course. This group was silent for a few moments after our late-comer arrived. The person who was speaking stopped speaking, and then felt derailed (which we learned later). So we turned our attention to what kept our colleague from arriving on time. It was after all the elephant in the room.

Like all elephants, it appreciated being discussed. A few good things came out of it. First, our late comer fessed up that he was late a lot, for a lot of things. And that he was late for his own therapy and late starting sessions with his clients. And we got to unpack a bit what this might mean to him, to others.

Lateness, we decided, is a resistance. It has many meanings. Each individual, but many universal, and all human. On the possibilities list: perhaps lateness is a signal of protest of some kind, an unconscious communication from the self to the self about desire, or lack of it to be somewhere, or with some one. Or perhaps its a communication to others, that there is something they are missing or paying too much attention to. In one case I have worked with, a group member arrived late because she felt, after we discussed it, that she would otherwise not get any attention at all. She did not know how to ask for it. We of course have helped her to ask for what she needs more directly now. In another instance, a member was late because he feared being criticized by another member of the group whom he thought to be on the attack at times. He had to wrestle with himself to come to group at all, and could not find the words to articulate it, even to himself. But when his late entries were analyzed, we were able to understand this, and help him out.

One woman I know fesses up that she is often late as a way of drawing out pleasure or anticipation. She feels very stimulated by group and looks forward to it. In fact, she finds herself attracted so much so to another member, that she loves to draw out the waiting, To heighten the thrill, and rev up the feeling. All of this is only partially intentional, but bringing it to light expands our knowledge of ourselves, others, and our work. It gives us a deep appreciation for the unconscious, for humanity and humanness.

Lateness, while simplistically may signal ambivalence or conflict, is something we can really put to use in session as well as group. But there is some suffering. Late comers do not want to be late, really. One late comer shared with me that he knows much about his lateness, but he can't seem to stop. Its like an addiction. With him, in group, after studying for several months the possibilities, the group decided to embrace his lateness, to allow it, expect it and even love him for it. For some reason, he stopped coming late after that.

Not to be forgotten, the person who was talking when the late comer walked in, and got upstaged by the late comer, learned a few things too, about herself. She noted to the group that she easily gives up her time, to men especially. She stopped what she was saying about herself, and what she needed, and turned her attention to the late comer, as did the group, only noting it with very little time to spare at group's end. I wondered why she did not just keep talking. In fact, she was thoughtful about this and said that believes that she has to do a lot of listening and deferring to men while hoping that she will get a little back at some point. She is afraid to put her needs first, for fear of seeming selfish or depriving. She recalls getting all kinds of good feelings by catering to men and their needs, and giving them the good feeling of being heard and admired, attended to and important. Something she would like to learn more about, and perhaps use to work better with herself, her colleagues, her patients.

Much to ponder. And all toward our good work together. And a good reminder that all things can be studied gently, unpacked, talked about and incorporated into our practices and lives for the better.