Internet Infidelity

Lately I am seeing a growing number of folks who are having virtual affairs. Interactive porn, email or IM relationships, fantasy exchanges. Some are pretty involved, and may even be considered addiction, while others fall more into the range of exploration. Most spouses who are using the Internet for either emotional connection, or fantasy are keeping it secret from their spouses, as are the folks who are engaging in more sexual or erotic based exchanges. Very few of the people I see are using the Internet as a couple to enhance their sex life, emotional connection or bolster the relationship, though certainly this may be an unconscious goal of some.

Most of the time, by the time I see the couple, or the hurt spouse, much pain has been caused. And most disclosure has happened "accidentally," by a spouse finding an email, site history or record of some kind.

First on the list of many hurt spouses is trying to figure out if the affair was ever actualized in person. In cases where it has not been, the question becomes: Does this count as being unfaithful?

While many of the feelings and the reactions of each spouse are mirrored as if these Internet affairs were actually physical (the need for details, loss of trust, anger, shock, pain, betrayal), and of the acting spouse (fear, remorse, shame, denial, anger, confusion), and while many therapists tend to look at infidelity of any kind as a symptom of marital discord, message sending, expression of some deep frustration, insecurity, anger or other feeling, the question becomes: Is online cheating really cheating? And how much does it matter when treating the fallout?

Given the enormity of any discussion on infidelity, I am just noting here that when we work with Internet infidelity we may have to take extra care to study the emotional experience of both spouses, both in the marriage and in the internet experience, and be curious in our work as to why this venue was the chosen one. I have unpacked many reasons, and think that couples can heal if the right approach is taken: understanding, interest, hope, for starters.

I welcome your thoughts!