Exactly Where Did He Put His Hands?!? (Clinical Protecia When Working With Infidelity)

Details. Details. I have been working lately with a lot of couples that are attempting to recover from the atomic bomb of an affair. And lately, more women who have gone outside the marriage than men. In all honesty, I must admit that I hold true to my stance on most all human behavior, which is that actions and feelings are worthy of study, not judgement. And of course in the tricky maze of couples work, we can study what was going on in the relationship that contributed to the affair; we can help them talk; we can help them rebuild trust, or repair the relationship without rebuilding trust (yes this can be done!). On and on, we can do our good work.

So amidst the ocean of things to be curious about as I work with my hurting couples, I have been studying two things in particular. One is why the spouse who was not unfaithful is so obsessed with the details of the affair, down to which toll booth on the highway his spouse and her lover drove through (and no I am not kidding).

And the second is what effect do all the feelings in the treatment room have on the therapist. Here we are sitting with rage, hurt, betrayl, disappointment. To name a few. And then we are more than likely reminded of our own marriages, our own desires, our own fantasies, fears and theories on life. A lot to keep track of, I think.

So of course, with a nod to the way men and women respond differently from a generalized gender basis, and another nod to the fact that each couple has a different dynamic and needs to be worked with in whatever way is good for that particular couple, I am still thinking about the obession for details.

It seems to strain the marriage even further. This incessent need to know everything. And we therapists are often left feeling a range of feelings from stupid, to rageful, to useless to terrified. To compelled to fix things fast, or help the obsessive (often battering) need for detail cease before it does any further damage to the marriage.

So here's what it is, in part, at least. We have to pay attention to how we feel (yes, yes, the countertransference), especially when we are working with couples who are trying viscerally to communicate to each other and to us, how absolutely destroyed they really feel. And tortured. And we may have to tolerate feeling destroyed ourselves in order to do good work at the right pace. Consider the possiblities. In what ways do the couple torture each other. What ways do they torture us? How do they function as a couple, and how do we stay with them?

One idea: obsessing about the details, which feels battering and tortureous to the spouse who went out, is the faithful spouse's way of retaliating and letting the spouse know just how bad it feels to have been bombarded. It's a communication of pain. Insane pain sometimes. And it can make the therapist feel insane sometimes as well.

Other theories? The hurt spouse is trying to gain control, reestablish trust, punish their spouse, punish themselves, find something to hold on, or to distract from the pain. Many possilbilties, and of course, and much more to say.

But on to how we therapists manage. We must talk. I know, here I go again. We must tell our story to someone who will hear us, hear our reactions, our guesses, our feelings. For their sake, for our sake, for our own marrriage's sake. For goodness sake.

We can get caught up in the trying to fix the relationships that we may move too fast. We may want them to let go more quickly than they are able to. For some, the symptom of obession is necessary for a while. It is serving a purpose, just like any other symptom does. And trying to work too quickly may actually not be good for anyone. Even if we the therapist want to move them along.

We have to check our own ideas out, talk them through. Case by case. It's protectia, I think, for our own psyches. And our own relationships.