From one of my groups this week came a collective sigh of frustration, bewilderment and, well, I think I would call it, urg-ness, over the state of unions. Marital unions. Although the state of the country is something to sigh over at the moment too.
Many of us are doing a lot of couples work. Marital. Some of us love it, and some of us hate it. For many of us, it stirs the pot of our own desires, morals, wishes, ideas and longings more than any other work we do. It seems to drudge up our confusion about how to be most effective, how to help two individuals as well as the relationship that is seemingly being brought before us for repair, replenishment and relief.
In the vast sea of treatment approaches, techniques and interventions, many therapists are feeling frustrated. We are seemingly and collectively noticing an increasing amount of visitors to our offices who have fallen out of love, fallen into love with someone else, gone outside the marriage for sex, attention, affection or entertainment, or to send a message to their significant other, or even to themselves. And it has many clinicians puzzled on many levels.
We are getting the idea that relationships are disposable. And we are called in to treat relationships by folks who may have already decided that they want to follow the lead of their current desires or longing, and leave what they currently have behind.
Some of us are feeling mandated to fix and help cleanup the wreckage of broken trust, anger, disappointment and fear. And deep hurt. Of course this feeling could be the transference. It could be induced, coming from one or both members of the couple. Still and all, we are feeling things deeply. And we are thinking of our own marriages, morals, ethical callings.
Some of us consult with the couple: "Should I help you to stay together or help you to seperate?" "Have you already decided what you want?" "Can you (can I, the therapist), live with uncertainty, lack of trust, fear and hurt for a while until we get it sorted out?" Words. Words. Words. Helping them to put it into words. And giving ourselves the space (okay, broken record, I know) to put into words our own frustrations, beliefs, musings and longings.
We must talk it. I really think we must. Because it stirs us up, all of this crazy behavior, and mind changing and family wrecking. And it makes us think about our own mandates, and choices and what exactly our job is anyway.
How do we help them stay? And talk. Even if they have already dropped a bomb into the relationship. I think we have to help ourselves stay first. So many of you are telling me that your couples are finicky. Flaky. Lots of drive by sessions. And then on to whatever they go on to. How do we make it possible for them to keep on keeping on, and figure out what's the best course when there are so many things flying? And at what pace?
I have one couple who comes to see me once a month. It's all they can handle. My idea is that they should come weekly, but I see them pull away when I suggest this. I have stopped suggesting this. One couple will only come together, even though my idea is that they may have more to say seperately for now. But that's my idea. And I am keeping it to myself for now. I checked in briefly with them about it, but could see that it would be a deal breaker.
This is what we do. We tolerate all the ideas and feelings our clients have. And we tolerate all the ideas we have, including the moral ones, the burdensome ones, even the clinical ones. And we talk it amongst our own support network. Perhaps the more staying power we have, the more staying power our couples can have. Whether they stay in the marriage or they leave.
Words. Words. And more words. In a safe place, for both the clients and for us.
It's a topic I don't take lightly at all. Unions.
2 comments:
First we need to take into account the number of years a couple have been married (and not living together before taking on the role of husband and wife. I will be commenting on a marriage from 3-5 years. Marriages that have lasted a few decades have a better chance of survival due to the history the partners both wrote together.
When a couple seeks marital therapy, my opinion is that they have come many years too late to salvage their marriage or relationship. some therapists may see this as a challenge in possibly reuniting the couple. i believe if the couple reunite, it is temporary.
other therapists realize the relationship is most likely already over. in my practice i focus on helping the spouses express their individual needs to each other that were not met in the relationship. I believe most therapist do the same.
let's face it, the 2 personalities that united really do not want to change the relationship or oneself but want to change the other. (unless there is some type of abuse or addiction that could be eliminated) in most cases, this does not happen unless there is some type of abuse or addiction that BOTH are willing to eliminate).
However, both do walk away from therapy more aware of who he or she is whether or not the marriage stays in tact. Yes,if the marriage fails he/she do walk into another relationship with a person who has a similar personality to their last partner, get married and the cycle starts over again. Thinking and behavioral patterns with regards to relationships are almost impossible to change. I remain optomistic in my marital treatment.
When a spouse calls for an appointment for marital therapy, he/she are told my treatment pattern before an appointment is scheduled. I see each, once on an individual basis, then I see both together and then i see them separately on an 'as needed basis". Then we set their treatment goals. If they insist on coming together, after I had given my rational about individual treatments, I tell them their approach is not workable for me. Then it is for the client to decide whether or not he/she will schedule an appointment with me.
In the past i had only seen couples together. It did not work.
Raisa,
Glad to have your comments and your vote for optimism!
Melissa
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