Left Holding the Bag (of feelings) Or The Guessing Game

A pal of mine called me yesterday to kvetch, complain, vent, sigh out loud to a good ear. She got a strange message. A new client of hers, who she had seen once, called and left a message cancelling the next appointment. She did not leave a phone number on the message, nor a reason, nor a request for a call back. Not even an "I'll call you to reschedule." Just an "I am cancelling. Goodbye."

When my friend heard this she experienced a deep pang of disappointment, hurt and something akin to anger. And bewilderment. The first session had gone well. The client expressed her thanks at being able to talk privately to someone. She had said she was looking forward to talking and thought it would be a good idea to come regularly. She paid. She said she would see my friend the next week. Same time.

So my friend decided that even though the woman did not leave a number on the message, or a request for a call back, or a number, that she would contact the woman anyway. Just to see. She had after all felt a connection to the woman, and thought that treatment was going to being. And she said, "I just had to find out why."

When she reached the woman, she got a cold reception. The woman said that she had to take her child to an appointment at that time. "Should we find a different time then?" My friend asked. "No. " She would call if she wanted to reschedule. My friend was feeling persistent that day, and asked her straight out, "Is there some other reason for your change of mind? Perhaps we could work it out?" "No," was the answer. And then goodbye. My pal gave up at that point. And called me for a little company.

My friend's practice is full. Brimming actually. And she does not really feel the need to take on more people at this time, she tells me. But she hates to be disappointed. And does not like feeling left. She is fairly confident in her clinical abilities, and is open to looking at something she may have said or done wrong to put the woman off, but she really got the idea that the session went well and they would be working together. She reminded herself that sometimes people get frightened or change their minds. They are just not ready to be patients yet. And certainly they may not be able to say the truth yet. Especially if they are new, and the relationship is not even off the ground yet. Even long time patients have difficulty telling you what you did wrong or said wrong in session. Though that is a sure sign of good work and progress.

A thousand guesses. Mine? The woman was frustrated and disappointed and feeling helpless. In life, not just in that one session. And she needed to be mean in order to get relief. She needed to transfer all those bad feelings to someone else. So she nailed my friend. Perhaps this is what this woman's life is like. A series of bad choices, or cold shoulders. Unanswered questions. Aborted possibilities.

Okay, who knows really. We can only guess. But the feelings stayed with my friend for a bit. Some people really do leave us with powerful feelings. And we are such good recipients. That's part of why we do what we do. And why we are good at doing what we do. And why we get paid.

Sometimes it's all we can do really, guess. And vent. So she vented, my friend, to me. And then she went back to her day. Back to work.