Failure

How do we know what kind of job we are doing? Today I had lunch with a colleague who was telling me that he did not really feel like he was of any value in the room. He is new-ish to private practice. Been working for about two years. And he tells me that he is not feeling like he does much for his clients.

Heavy sigh.

So we unpacked it a bit. Looked at the possibilities. (Over tuna fish). Sometimes feelings of failure and uselessness are induced feelings. Best to look at each case to see what feelings are flying around. Maybe he is suffering from the human and mostly universal need to be effective, acknowledged and helpful. Though it's good to flag this need if it is going to get in the way of doing what is best for the treatment.

Maybe it's that he never felt useful or successful as a child, and he is repeating this experience in his practice. Maybe it connects him to his father, or gives him a reason to get out the field, or not get down to the business of marketing his practice.

Then we hit a good one. (We are working hard over Rye bread). He fessed up that his own experience in his own therapy was never really satisfying. In fact, his supervision was not useful to him either. He never felt he could say everything to his therapist or supervisor. He was often told what to do, or how to proceed. He sometimes liked that, but he mostly felt criticized by it, not helped. In fact, he felt useless as a patient, and angry at his therapist. And he did not really believe that therapy was all that beneficial anyway. If people don't do what you say, what's the use?

If we got into this business to help people, to fix them, to solve their problems, we might be in for a long day. What about listening deeply, showing up, holding off on the "here's what you need to do." (Not that we do that, but we do that.) We do not want to fail. Or flail.

One therapist I know says she becomes unraveled when a client tells her that the therapy is a bust. It's not helping. She says she never knows what to say that, so she springs into "performance mode," and starts trying to offer advice or feedback. Like my lunch partner, who thinks it's his job to have and employ great philosophical ideas and perform great interventions that transform and cure.

I think its great when a client says treatment is not helping. First of all, they are still there, so it can be talked about. (Why am not helping you more? What kind of help would you like? What's in the way of you being helped, etc.) Questions to help things along. If a client feels good enough with you to tell you what a failure you are, then you are doing a great job.

So my lunch pal has to go back to his therapist and tell him what a screw up the treatment has been. Let the bad feelings fly. Everyone will survive. Maybe even move forward! Wouldn't that be a good thing!

It was a productive lunch. And as a treat for you guys, if you haven't seen it...I am posting a link to JK Rowling's speech on the Benefits of Failure, given to the Harvard University graduating class of 2008.

Bon Appetite!